No Mr Valentine

I’m pretty sure the longer I am on this earth, the more jaded I become. The general public give me the shits a lot more frequently, my core group of “good” friends is slowly becoming smaller, my appreciation for those friends still in that category is growing immensely and the tally of ex-boyfriends is becoming larger. Yet, for some obscure reason my mind automatically goes into goo-goo mode around Valentine’s Day.

 

Due to my abysmal track record of giving too much/freaking out and pushing away, I would be the first to nominate myself as an anti-valentine’s day advocate. I can actually imagine myself going the way of Bettie Page; but instead of screaming religious propaganda and getting arrested for public nuisance I’d be swigging my paper bagged bottle, eating my heart candy and screaming “VALENTINE’S DAY IS a consumerist PSEUDO-holiday at its finest created by Hallmark to exploit human emotion for its own corporate greed…..It’s FALlacYtine’s  FAUXLIDAY!!! …….I like cats….. ”

I will neither confirm nor deny (confirmed) that in recent times I have gained this innate ability to push potential love interests away thanks to a fantastic array of deadbeat boyfriends in the past, but my friends and family continue to find and maintain healthy, loving relationships with AMAZING people. And that to me shows that love isn’t dead. Romance exists, even in its simplest form. And if for me that means nothing but telling my friends how much they mean to me, and them expressing the same love back, then that’s all I need. That, a bottle of wine, lots of expensive chocolate and a Ryan Gosling film. And one day I may let myself be swept up in the commotion of romance and let my guard down once more, but right now, I’m alright. Mainly because the Walking Dead is back on…... Be my Valentine, Daryl?

Now, for those of you who are disheartened by my hopeless romantic attitude, expecting rather a rant on how the proverbial love is in fact deader than Soviet Russia, FEAR NOT! Following are 10 reasons why being single is better, love is crap, and all you really need in life is a cat and a rather fine merlot:    

1.  Cats are always moody and nonplussed upon your return home. So, no need to counteract tension through brown-nosing/blaming your period.

2. Both cats and merlot are always meticulously dressed in outfits that suit them.

3. A bottle of merlot will never have any qualms about being spooned to sleep.

4. Merlot and cat food combined are cheaper than a three course meal, flowers, heart shaped present, petrol and loss of dignity.

5. Both a cat and a bottle of merlot allow you to express your true feelings without judgement. You are also at less risk of being misunderstood as you drunkenly slur incomprehensibly in what sounds like a form of Zulu dialect.

6. Once you’re over it, can’t stand the sight of it and it makes you feel physically sick just thinking about it being there, you can rid your life of the merlot without the division of assets.

7. All you have to do with a cat is clean its litter tray and feed it to ensure a healthy, happy, stress free relationship.

8. A cat doesn’t care what colour collar you make it wear. You’re a boy? YOU WILL WEAR PINK AND LIKE IT etc. You can also dress merlot bottles up in cabbage patch clothes without argument if you so choose. DIY crafternoon!

9. Cats are innocent creatures you can trust wholeheartedly as they are without past regrets, future fears or chlamydia.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand

10. There is no confusing a cats purr from happiness. And a glass bottle can’t talk. (Dating tip: If this is something that appeals to you, maybe opt for dating someone with no voice box, a foreigner with no knowledge of the English language or a blow-up doll!)

After all is said and done and you’re still feeling a little lonely on Feb 14, never fear. You’re not actually alone. Millions around the globe are single too. And you won’t always be alone. As Amy Winehouse so poignantly wrote, “I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon.”

Your friends and family (and cat) are what really matters after all is said and done. They will be there no matter what. A relationship doesn't complete you. I believe we complete ourselves, and if you’re not happy alone then you’ll never be happy. Remember what life has given you already. Chin up and do something that makes you happy this Valentine’s Day. And if you’re still feeling down about singledom I just have one more piece of advice: Take a shot of cement and harden the fuck up.

Other than that, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY Y’ALL!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.